Humans now have the color range vision of the mantis shrimp. We can now see polarized light and detect cancer. Unfortunately we can no longer tell the differences between simple colors like red green and yellow. Cars crash worldwide in horrific traffic accidents and millions die. Hurray!

I wish I wish I were a lich.

Your phylactery is found and destroyed within minutes of your lichdom, turning you mortal just as you fall down a chimney to your death. (flue, flue, litch in the flue, litch in the flue, my darling)

I wish I understood chemistry so I could pass this goshdarn class.

You now understand chemistry. Your knowledge of chemistry is, in fact, unrivaled. You know so much that it is now the only thing that you can think about and you realize with sudden, grim realization that you HATE chemistry. Have fun.

I wish I could flash read.

Green and purple switch names. Unfortunately for them, they are but colors and they cannot tell anyone about their switch. People go on calling purple "green" and green "purple", and green and purple internally sigh and cross everyone off of their Christmas card lists.

I wish for shapeshifting powers.

Congratulations. You can now shapeshift to possess a mole in any one of three places on your body at a time! You're now a special snowflake.

I wish I could empty my bowels by teleporting my poop into other peoples intestines.

The walls of military installations are now covered in shag carpet. As is the floor. As the ceiling. And the ground outside. Everything is covered in shag carpet! It's alive and it's devouring everything! You are covered in shag carpet! EVERYTHING IS COVERED IN SHAG CARPET!!

I wish I could manipulate my own perception of time at will

You can, but it comes with the same rules to fast forwarding as Click. Fast forward through one event causes all similar events to be fast forward. You miss a lot of your life, cause you couldn't take the time to enjoy the mundane moments that you so foolishly choose to fast forward through.

I wish I could kill terrible shows.

Granted. But the universe demands equality and for every one you kill another equally terrible one takes it's place. Nothing is changed.

I wish I could summon jars of honey.

Rabbits are now called smerps, but a bunch of genetically altered Smerp eaters (hawks) ate them all, eliminating the species.

I wish for a teddy bear

You have a teddy bear! All eight hundred forty-seven pounds of it! The adult male bear proceeds to "cuddle" you to death. Even working in some affectionate "love bites." You lucky sucker you.

I wish to win the lottery.

You win the lottery. Unfortunately, you've also been an enemy of the Mafia for years, and they use this as an opportunity to both get even and get even richer by taking your things and hiding your corpse in the river.

I wish, I wish, for a box of Goldfish®.

Wish granted. A box of Goldfish®. Somewhere, but where? Looks like you'll have to find it.

I wish to have the powers of Gluttony from FMA.

Wish granted, without caveats. You sicko.

I wish for The Sweetest Hat

You obtain The Sweetest Hat. It is covered in honey, and you are soon bombarded with bees, flies and other creepy flyers.

I wish for a new phone.

Granted! You have a new phone! It's new! Relative to your ownership of it. It was among the first models developed and no longer works. But hey! It looks cool!

I wish to splish among the fish

You grab it. You turn into a solid gold statute of the human you.

I wish for some 'Pie of Reasonable Quality'